Tuesday
I have moved! (UPDATED!!!)
Hi everyone! I apologize for the "disappearing act" earlier this month. I have been extremely busy. I have changed my blog. You can now find me at www.onmymoon.blogspot.com I have just started posting there, so not much to read yet, but I hope you will be joining me! Thank you so much for all the kind words while I have been gone! You guys really are the best!
Friday
Tuesday
Working For The Man!
Working For The Man RULES
Working For The Man RULE #1:
We are all working for the man.
Working For The Man RULE #2:
There are some people who think, "Hey, I am the man!" Sorry, idiot, you are also working for the man. Unfortunately for you, because of what you were just thinking, and maybe even saying out loud, you are also a jackass. That, and people probably don't like you very much.
Working For The Man RULE #3:
If a certain co-worker is getting on your nerves, go up to him and say, "Hey, there are all these sandwiches and cookies and pasta salads in the kitchen - someone had leftovers from a big meeting." Of course, there's nothing in the kitchen but the crappy offerings in the vending machine. He'll come back and say, "What are you talking about. There was nothing there." And you'll just say, "Oh, man, I guess it all already got eaten up." Note: this works especially well if you use it right after your annoying co-worker has said "Oh man, I'm really hungry."
Working For The Man RULE #4:
If people in your office are really annoying you, burn some popcorn in the office microwave.
Working For The Man RULE #5:
If people in your office are really, really annoying you, burn some leftover fish in the office microwave.
Working For The Man RULE #6:
Never learn how to change the toner in the printer or copy machine. That way, when someone comes up to you and asks, "Do you know how to change the toner?", you can say, "Nope."
Working For The Man RULE #7:
Know who does know how to change the toner, and if he's a jerk, you can readily identify that person whenever someone is asking about getting the toner changed: "Jim knows. Go ask him."
Working For The Man RULE #8:
Of course if you have no idea who actually knows how to change the toner, go ahead and identify the jerk. Hopefully he'll be really busy and stressed out and in the middle of something really important.
Working For The Man RULE #9:
Understand that when someone says, "Oh, is this bothering you?", it means, "Fuck you."
Working For The Man RULE #10:
Learn how to say, "Oh, is this bothering you?" with just the right pitch.
Working For The Man RULE #11:
Never trust anyone who uses exclamation points in their e-mail correspondence: "This is great! I really appreciate your work on getting this going! I look forward to working with you on this project!"
Working For The Man RULE #12:
The guys with framed 8X10 photos of their wives in their offices are the ones who fuck around.
Working For The Man RULE #13:
A subscription to Fast Company is the perfect gift for the office idiot.
Working For The Man RULE #14:
See the movie Ikiru by Akira Kurosawa. This movie might just be enough to inspire you to break out of the rote nature of your job and do something that actually matters. Note to people who were somehow inspired by Who Moved My Cheese: Nevermind rule #13. Please go and read your new issue of Fast Company.
Working For The Man RULE #15:
The dork who wears a brown belt with black shoes, khaki pants, and those deep blue dress shirts a size too big never, ever has a girlfriend, but he's always, always looking.
Working For The Man RULE #16:
That's the guy who's going to ask you out.
Working For The Man RULE #17:
The hot girl in the office who wears the short skirts and sexy boots always, always has a boyfriend.
Working For The Man RULE #18:
When your boss is telling you about a new assignment and keeps repeating "This is only for a few weeks," bear down for a long haul - six months to a year.
Working For The Man RULE #19:
If your boss keeps repeating the phrase "This is just for a little while," it's safe to assume that this "temporary" assignment will be a part of your workload permanently.
Working For The Man RULE #20:
The shorter the message, the more trouble that you're in. "Call me as soon as you get in." is bad. "See me." is really bad.
Working For The Man RULE #21:
The longer the message on your voice mail, the less important it is: "Hey Harry, sorry to call again, but I wanted to mention one last detail about tomorrow's noon meeting, which is in the big conference room on your floor, the 18th... Oh wait, they moved you guys, okay, well, anyway, on the 18th floor in the big conference room, we'll be discussing not just the monthly report figures, but we're gonna have a little brainstorming session at the tail end of the meeting on how to be more proactive on all the initiatives that were discussed in the most recent management meeting... If you need a copy of the summary report on that management meeting, give Gina, Jim's assistant, a call. She'll get you the document, either by e-mail or she'll walk over a copy, however you want it, but if you don't have it, you should really get a copy. Anyway, so, this is just a heads up on all that, so you can do a little thinking before the meeting. Not sure if we'll be getting lunch, but hopefully, you know, since it's a noon meeting, we'll get those sandwiches again. Those were some great sandwiches. Okay, well... Oh, wait, just one more thing..."
Working For The Man RULE #22:
You know to avoid conversation with a co-worker when you overhear him asking, "Did you see last night's episode of Cold Case?"
Working For The Man RULE #23:
If you ever find out that your boss had a nose job, you won't be able to stop yourself from referring to her as "Nosejob" whenever you talk about her behind her back.
Working For The Man RULE #24:
These are the things you immediately know about people who say "My assistant" more than once in a short conversation: They're insecure, their job sucks, and they've got a small dick (this applies to both men and women).
Working For The Man RULE #25:
The colored dress shirt topped-off with white collar says "I am not sexy, period" and also, "I work in sales."
Working For The Man RULE #26:
The sneaker commute look -- a skirt, jacket and pantyhose with sneaker footwear -- is one of the unsexiest looks possible.
Working For The Man RULE #27:
There's always a guy at the office who will come up to your desk just when you are trying to eat your lunch and say, "What are you eating? Mmmm, that looks really good! I see you've sprung for the expensive sushi today..." And then proceeds to hover over your desk as you eat, thereby insuring that you don't enjoy your expensive sushi lunch.
Working For The Man RULE #28:
There's always a guy at the office who will come up to you and say, "What, is it St. Patrick's Day?" if you happen to be wearing an outfit that is mostly green.
Working For The Man RULE #29
After you've poured yourself the last cup of joe, the big boss will walk in - with empty coffee mug swinging - just in time to witness the one time you've decided to duck out of making a new pot of coffee.
Working For The Man RULE #30
Every office has two women, who sit together and hang out together, that can be perfectly defined as "The Two Bitties."
Working For The Man RULE #31
If Bittie #1 happens to be away from her desk, and you ask Bittie #2 if she knows where Bittie #1 might be, Bittie #2 will give you a hateful, menacing glare and hiss, "How should I know?"
Working For The Man RULE #32
An unsigned note that says "Please don't make the coffee too strong" will occasionally be posted near the coffeemaker. You can bet your bottom dollar that The Two Bitties wrote it.
Working For The Man RULE #33
The top salesman in your office always seems to have "a family emergency" on Fridays, especially when the weather gets nice.
Working For The Man RULE #34
This does compute: the top salesman in your office will go to four funerals over the course of the year, all for his grandmother.
Working For The Man RULE #35
Next year, the funerals will be for his grandfather.
Working For The Man RULE #36
The year after that, the salesman will start back over with funerals for his grandmother.
Working For The Man RULE #37
The passive-aggressive psycho you dated and broke up in that year after college is the woman in your office who uses the Cc function to get you to respond to her endless questions.
Working For The Man RULE #38
The little boy at your school who used to tattle is the little man in your office who always Cc's your boss, on that third email in the string, the one that he knows is going to make you look bad.
Working For The Man RULE #39
There's a guy who you will always see in the bathroom, and every time, he will complain about how people piss all over the seats. "People are just so disgusting... I'm going to put up some signs," he says. You say, "Yeah, you should do that." He replies, "Yeah, I am gonna put up some signs." Of course he never puts up any signs.
Working For The Man RULE #40
If you witness a guy in the bathroom who takes a leak and then walks out without washing his hands, you will never be able to think of anything else when you see him walking around the office. Also, you will feel compelled to tell other people. You wish you could send a note about the matter to "Office All."
Working For The Man RULE #1:
We are all working for the man.
Working For The Man RULE #2:
There are some people who think, "Hey, I am the man!" Sorry, idiot, you are also working for the man. Unfortunately for you, because of what you were just thinking, and maybe even saying out loud, you are also a jackass. That, and people probably don't like you very much.
Working For The Man RULE #3:
If a certain co-worker is getting on your nerves, go up to him and say, "Hey, there are all these sandwiches and cookies and pasta salads in the kitchen - someone had leftovers from a big meeting." Of course, there's nothing in the kitchen but the crappy offerings in the vending machine. He'll come back and say, "What are you talking about. There was nothing there." And you'll just say, "Oh, man, I guess it all already got eaten up." Note: this works especially well if you use it right after your annoying co-worker has said "Oh man, I'm really hungry."
Working For The Man RULE #4:
If people in your office are really annoying you, burn some popcorn in the office microwave.
Working For The Man RULE #5:
If people in your office are really, really annoying you, burn some leftover fish in the office microwave.
Working For The Man RULE #6:
Never learn how to change the toner in the printer or copy machine. That way, when someone comes up to you and asks, "Do you know how to change the toner?", you can say, "Nope."
Working For The Man RULE #7:
Know who does know how to change the toner, and if he's a jerk, you can readily identify that person whenever someone is asking about getting the toner changed: "Jim knows. Go ask him."
Working For The Man RULE #8:
Of course if you have no idea who actually knows how to change the toner, go ahead and identify the jerk. Hopefully he'll be really busy and stressed out and in the middle of something really important.
Working For The Man RULE #9:
Understand that when someone says, "Oh, is this bothering you?", it means, "Fuck you."
Working For The Man RULE #10:
Learn how to say, "Oh, is this bothering you?" with just the right pitch.
Working For The Man RULE #11:
Never trust anyone who uses exclamation points in their e-mail correspondence: "This is great! I really appreciate your work on getting this going! I look forward to working with you on this project!"
Working For The Man RULE #12:
The guys with framed 8X10 photos of their wives in their offices are the ones who fuck around.
Working For The Man RULE #13:
A subscription to Fast Company is the perfect gift for the office idiot.
Working For The Man RULE #14:
See the movie Ikiru by Akira Kurosawa. This movie might just be enough to inspire you to break out of the rote nature of your job and do something that actually matters. Note to people who were somehow inspired by Who Moved My Cheese: Nevermind rule #13. Please go and read your new issue of Fast Company.
Working For The Man RULE #15:
The dork who wears a brown belt with black shoes, khaki pants, and those deep blue dress shirts a size too big never, ever has a girlfriend, but he's always, always looking.
Working For The Man RULE #16:
That's the guy who's going to ask you out.
Working For The Man RULE #17:
The hot girl in the office who wears the short skirts and sexy boots always, always has a boyfriend.
Working For The Man RULE #18:
When your boss is telling you about a new assignment and keeps repeating "This is only for a few weeks," bear down for a long haul - six months to a year.
Working For The Man RULE #19:
If your boss keeps repeating the phrase "This is just for a little while," it's safe to assume that this "temporary" assignment will be a part of your workload permanently.
Working For The Man RULE #20:
The shorter the message, the more trouble that you're in. "Call me as soon as you get in." is bad. "See me." is really bad.
Working For The Man RULE #21:
The longer the message on your voice mail, the less important it is: "Hey Harry, sorry to call again, but I wanted to mention one last detail about tomorrow's noon meeting, which is in the big conference room on your floor, the 18th... Oh wait, they moved you guys, okay, well, anyway, on the 18th floor in the big conference room, we'll be discussing not just the monthly report figures, but we're gonna have a little brainstorming session at the tail end of the meeting on how to be more proactive on all the initiatives that were discussed in the most recent management meeting... If you need a copy of the summary report on that management meeting, give Gina, Jim's assistant, a call. She'll get you the document, either by e-mail or she'll walk over a copy, however you want it, but if you don't have it, you should really get a copy. Anyway, so, this is just a heads up on all that, so you can do a little thinking before the meeting. Not sure if we'll be getting lunch, but hopefully, you know, since it's a noon meeting, we'll get those sandwiches again. Those were some great sandwiches. Okay, well... Oh, wait, just one more thing..."
Working For The Man RULE #22:
You know to avoid conversation with a co-worker when you overhear him asking, "Did you see last night's episode of Cold Case?"
Working For The Man RULE #23:
If you ever find out that your boss had a nose job, you won't be able to stop yourself from referring to her as "Nosejob" whenever you talk about her behind her back.
Working For The Man RULE #24:
These are the things you immediately know about people who say "My assistant" more than once in a short conversation: They're insecure, their job sucks, and they've got a small dick (this applies to both men and women).
Working For The Man RULE #25:
The colored dress shirt topped-off with white collar says "I am not sexy, period" and also, "I work in sales."
Working For The Man RULE #26:
The sneaker commute look -- a skirt, jacket and pantyhose with sneaker footwear -- is one of the unsexiest looks possible.
Working For The Man RULE #27:
There's always a guy at the office who will come up to your desk just when you are trying to eat your lunch and say, "What are you eating? Mmmm, that looks really good! I see you've sprung for the expensive sushi today..." And then proceeds to hover over your desk as you eat, thereby insuring that you don't enjoy your expensive sushi lunch.
Working For The Man RULE #28:
There's always a guy at the office who will come up to you and say, "What, is it St. Patrick's Day?" if you happen to be wearing an outfit that is mostly green.
Working For The Man RULE #29
After you've poured yourself the last cup of joe, the big boss will walk in - with empty coffee mug swinging - just in time to witness the one time you've decided to duck out of making a new pot of coffee.
Working For The Man RULE #30
Every office has two women, who sit together and hang out together, that can be perfectly defined as "The Two Bitties."
Working For The Man RULE #31
If Bittie #1 happens to be away from her desk, and you ask Bittie #2 if she knows where Bittie #1 might be, Bittie #2 will give you a hateful, menacing glare and hiss, "How should I know?"
Working For The Man RULE #32
An unsigned note that says "Please don't make the coffee too strong" will occasionally be posted near the coffeemaker. You can bet your bottom dollar that The Two Bitties wrote it.
Working For The Man RULE #33
The top salesman in your office always seems to have "a family emergency" on Fridays, especially when the weather gets nice.
Working For The Man RULE #34
This does compute: the top salesman in your office will go to four funerals over the course of the year, all for his grandmother.
Working For The Man RULE #35
Next year, the funerals will be for his grandfather.
Working For The Man RULE #36
The year after that, the salesman will start back over with funerals for his grandmother.
Working For The Man RULE #37
The passive-aggressive psycho you dated and broke up in that year after college is the woman in your office who uses the Cc function to get you to respond to her endless questions.
Working For The Man RULE #38
The little boy at your school who used to tattle is the little man in your office who always Cc's your boss, on that third email in the string, the one that he knows is going to make you look bad.
Working For The Man RULE #39
There's a guy who you will always see in the bathroom, and every time, he will complain about how people piss all over the seats. "People are just so disgusting... I'm going to put up some signs," he says. You say, "Yeah, you should do that." He replies, "Yeah, I am gonna put up some signs." Of course he never puts up any signs.
Working For The Man RULE #40
If you witness a guy in the bathroom who takes a leak and then walks out without washing his hands, you will never be able to think of anything else when you see him walking around the office. Also, you will feel compelled to tell other people. You wish you could send a note about the matter to "Office All."
Friday
Dont Fry The Hamster!
If you are at all like me, you wont be able to resist...
Click Here to get this from FreeFlashToys.com!
Word Verification!
I am all for the word verification on comments to prevent spam, but sometimes its a little bit over the top! Can anyone please tell me exactly what this says???? I know I was clueless!!!
Thursday
Mood Swing Mood Ring!
Have you ever just had one of those days??? You know the ones I am talking about. The one where you get the rock star parking spot at the grocery store, the 10 items or less line takes you, even though you have a cart full, and the extremely long line at the in store bank branch parts and allows you to go first because they can tell you are in a hurry! And then you reach into your pocket to get your keys and realize, you forgot to put your pants on before you left the house! Yeah!!! One of THOSE days!
Ok, so my day was actually a little bit different, but I wanted to make sure we were all on the same page. I awoke this morning to the alarm, that I didnt set. That should have been my 1st clue. But at six in the morning, you dont really think about those things do you? I got up and went downstairs to have my morning smoke and a coke, completely forgetting that I quit smoking 5 days ago. I think thats when it finally set it. Its going to be a bad day!
I curled up on the couch and wrapped myself in my blanket, determined not to move for the rest of the day! Flipped on the boob toob, and sure enough, more bad news. When will these fucking terrorists give it a rest already? And its on every fricken channel, unless of course I want to watch Blues Clues. Now dont get me wrong. I think the news is very important. And I find it horribly awful that these idiots had plans to blow up more aircraft with their liquid bomb that they were hiding in their toothpaste and hair gel and could activate with their palm pilots and mp3 players.. But enough is enough. You can only listen to the exact same thing over and over again 26 times before you have to change the channel. And yes, I counted.
Looks like I was going to have to move after all. Damn It! Now I am not going to repeat it, cause that would be really stupid, but this is where my Dog And Cat escapade comes in. (I will link it for you in case you missed it and just cant continue reading unless you fully understand. If you dont care, just skip it!) At this point, I just dont know what to do. I glance down at my finger and there lies my handy dandy mood ring! And this isnt just your average everyday mood ring either. This is THE mood ring of all mood rings. Hey, what is wrong with it. Its black! Its never been black before! This cant be good!
Like a fool, I rush to the curio, where I keep the whole 3 books I own, and its not there. What did I do with it??? Shit! I run upstairs. I look in the bathroom, (dont ask!) under the bed, and in the computer room. There it is. The Mood Ring Manual! Ok now what does black mean??? What? There is no black? How can that be. I scan through the almighty manual again. Nothing. There is absolutely no protocol for a black mood ring. Oh great! Hmmm Black huh. Lets see black is normally the sign of what? Uh Oh! Thats it. I just know I am going to die today!
I dont want to move. If I go downstairs, I may fall and break my neck! And yes, I would say I am a wee little bit superstitious. So I sit down. And take one stair at a time. On my ass! 20 minutes later I reach the bottom. I throw a load of laundry in the washer, cause it was the right thing to do, and sit back down and curl up again. I am just not going to move. Then it dawns on me. What if the washer overflows and I drown? But wait, my ring is changing colors again. Blue! Yes I know what blue is. I am happy. (I think this mood ring needs a tune up, but whatever!) And just in time too. I have to go see Froyd!
I usually just sit in the chair, but this time, I laid on the couch. I was tired! Froyd looked at me a little funny, but he didnt say anything. Of course I told him about my mood ring. And of course he thinks I am crazy, but he thought that already. So what seemed like forever later. I went home! My ring is purple now. Which happens to be my favorite color, but not on the ring! The last time I saw purple was when I was getting on the airplane to Florida! Yuppers, purple means you are stressed out! But I didnt feel stressed out. Or did I? Of course, I stressed myself out trying to figure out what was stressing me out. Stupid mood ring!
By now, I have gone back to my comfy spot on the couch. But its time to pick up the Monkey from school. So off I go, thrilled that I am not going to die, and that I have found the reason for my stress, when my ring turns red! (Now I know by now you all are thinking, what the hell do you have a mood ring for anyway, but thats a different story, so just shut up already!) So red means anger! I am not angry! I am actually feeling pretty good. So what that I didnt really take the time to foo foo myself up to go get her. (I was angry after all!) I walk into daycare sporting my turquoise nautica lounge pants and a very wrinkled (although I didnt realize it when I put it on) white shirt! The bouncer at the door looked at me funny! YES??? I asked her. She just kinda smiled. Oh wait! She says. Your child got pushed by a kid today and hurt her wrist! You have got to be kidding me! This happens constantly. Only last time it was the teacher, and I had to spend an evening at the hospital and an afternoon at Social Services! But this wasnt their fault! The bouncer either noticed the steam coming out of my ears, or she has read up on the mood ring manual, cause she says to me. Its ok, she is ok now! My kid is like a walking band aide!
So I take her home and sit down to write about my day. I take one last look, and the ring is black again! Well forget that! I have made it this far through my day, Ill be darned if I am going to kick the bucket now! I take the stupid thing off and put it in the drawer. One last glance, and it shines a bright blue! Apparently the ring is very happy. Myself on the other hand? Yeah, I have just had one of my moodiest days ever!
Ok, so my day was actually a little bit different, but I wanted to make sure we were all on the same page. I awoke this morning to the alarm, that I didnt set. That should have been my 1st clue. But at six in the morning, you dont really think about those things do you? I got up and went downstairs to have my morning smoke and a coke, completely forgetting that I quit smoking 5 days ago. I think thats when it finally set it. Its going to be a bad day!
I curled up on the couch and wrapped myself in my blanket, determined not to move for the rest of the day! Flipped on the boob toob, and sure enough, more bad news. When will these fucking terrorists give it a rest already? And its on every fricken channel, unless of course I want to watch Blues Clues. Now dont get me wrong. I think the news is very important. And I find it horribly awful that these idiots had plans to blow up more aircraft with their liquid bomb that they were hiding in their toothpaste and hair gel and could activate with their palm pilots and mp3 players.. But enough is enough. You can only listen to the exact same thing over and over again 26 times before you have to change the channel. And yes, I counted.
Looks like I was going to have to move after all. Damn It! Now I am not going to repeat it, cause that would be really stupid, but this is where my Dog And Cat escapade comes in. (I will link it for you in case you missed it and just cant continue reading unless you fully understand. If you dont care, just skip it!) At this point, I just dont know what to do. I glance down at my finger and there lies my handy dandy mood ring! And this isnt just your average everyday mood ring either. This is THE mood ring of all mood rings. Hey, what is wrong with it. Its black! Its never been black before! This cant be good!
Like a fool, I rush to the curio, where I keep the whole 3 books I own, and its not there. What did I do with it??? Shit! I run upstairs. I look in the bathroom, (dont ask!) under the bed, and in the computer room. There it is. The Mood Ring Manual! Ok now what does black mean??? What? There is no black? How can that be. I scan through the almighty manual again. Nothing. There is absolutely no protocol for a black mood ring. Oh great! Hmmm Black huh. Lets see black is normally the sign of what? Uh Oh! Thats it. I just know I am going to die today!
I dont want to move. If I go downstairs, I may fall and break my neck! And yes, I would say I am a wee little bit superstitious. So I sit down. And take one stair at a time. On my ass! 20 minutes later I reach the bottom. I throw a load of laundry in the washer, cause it was the right thing to do, and sit back down and curl up again. I am just not going to move. Then it dawns on me. What if the washer overflows and I drown? But wait, my ring is changing colors again. Blue! Yes I know what blue is. I am happy. (I think this mood ring needs a tune up, but whatever!) And just in time too. I have to go see Froyd!
I usually just sit in the chair, but this time, I laid on the couch. I was tired! Froyd looked at me a little funny, but he didnt say anything. Of course I told him about my mood ring. And of course he thinks I am crazy, but he thought that already. So what seemed like forever later. I went home! My ring is purple now. Which happens to be my favorite color, but not on the ring! The last time I saw purple was when I was getting on the airplane to Florida! Yuppers, purple means you are stressed out! But I didnt feel stressed out. Or did I? Of course, I stressed myself out trying to figure out what was stressing me out. Stupid mood ring!
By now, I have gone back to my comfy spot on the couch. But its time to pick up the Monkey from school. So off I go, thrilled that I am not going to die, and that I have found the reason for my stress, when my ring turns red! (Now I know by now you all are thinking, what the hell do you have a mood ring for anyway, but thats a different story, so just shut up already!) So red means anger! I am not angry! I am actually feeling pretty good. So what that I didnt really take the time to foo foo myself up to go get her. (I was angry after all!) I walk into daycare sporting my turquoise nautica lounge pants and a very wrinkled (although I didnt realize it when I put it on) white shirt! The bouncer at the door looked at me funny! YES??? I asked her. She just kinda smiled. Oh wait! She says. Your child got pushed by a kid today and hurt her wrist! You have got to be kidding me! This happens constantly. Only last time it was the teacher, and I had to spend an evening at the hospital and an afternoon at Social Services! But this wasnt their fault! The bouncer either noticed the steam coming out of my ears, or she has read up on the mood ring manual, cause she says to me. Its ok, she is ok now! My kid is like a walking band aide!
So I take her home and sit down to write about my day. I take one last look, and the ring is black again! Well forget that! I have made it this far through my day, Ill be darned if I am going to kick the bucket now! I take the stupid thing off and put it in the drawer. One last glance, and it shines a bright blue! Apparently the ring is very happy. Myself on the other hand? Yeah, I have just had one of my moodiest days ever!
Thursday Thirteen
13 Things That Have Frustrated Me Today...And Its Not Even Noon!
1. The Dog! Is there any reason why you must chase the cat around the house every waking moment?? The cat is not going anywhere. The cat does not like to be chased. The cat does not like you! I wouldnt either if you chased me all the time!
2. The Cat! I understand the dog chases you all over the house and you hate it, but that does not make it ok for you to sit on top of my head. I know the dog can not reach you on top of my head, but she cant reach you on the table either. Go Sit there!
3. The Dog! Please please please! I beg of you, Please stand still when you must relieve yourself. There is no reason for you to walk around while doing so. You are not missing anything! The dog next door will wait for you to finish. If it all falls in one spot, it will be ok, I promise. Not to mention, so much easier for me to pick up!
4. The Cat! Please stop taunting the dog!! You complain that all the dog does is chase you around, but I am watching you. You tease the dog! Dont bat the dogs tail! Dont keep walking back and forth right in front of the dogs face! The dog is in trouble right now, and is not allowed to chase you. I think you secretly enjoy it!
5. The Dog! Just because I get up, does not mean you have to. I am not going anywhere. Just the bathroom. I promise I do not need your help! I can do it all by myself. And no, I dont walk around while I do it either. Yes I am going to close the door. No I do not need you to claw and scratch at it until I get out! Go chase the cat or something!
6. The Cat! How did you get in here? I am trying to go to the bathroom. Please get off my lap! Stop brushing up against my legs! I dont want to pet you right now! I am busy doing something else! Oh sure, now you want to get out. Well unless you know how to open the door, your gonna have to wait. Yes, you will survive, so stop whining. Besides, the dog is on the other side of that door!
7. The Dog! This is my breakfast. Go laydown! I mean it! Stop begging! Did you eat all of your food already? Well you need to do that before you can start whimpering like you are starving. You dont even like Eggo Waffels! No really, you dont. And even if you did, you arent going to get any! You have your own food. Its called Dog food! That means its yours. Please stop doing that. You look like a squirrel. As cute as you think that might be, its really not! NO NO NO NO NO! Do not put your paw on my plate. That does not help your situation. You are not going to get my waffel! Yes, I will eat it even if you lick it, now go away!!!
8. The Cat! Why are you bouncing off the walls? Stop running around like that, you will ruin the carpet! Stop doing that with your claws! What do you have in your mouth? Where did you get a twisty tie? I thought I threw that away! Wait, I did throw that away. Hmmm. Wait stop, give it to me right now. You are going to choke on it! Give it to me. Get out from under that bed right now!!! I am not going to do this with you right now. I am gonna sick the dog on you! Fine, choke on it, see if I care! Ha Ha tricked you, now I dont want to see you with it again!
9. The Dog! Stay out of the trash! No I did not throw any Eggo Waffels in there! Why do you insist on dumping it over? Its garbage. Garbage is the stuff that no one wants anymore. That does not give you free reign to it! Now give me back that banana peel right now! Since when do you like bananas anyway?
10. The Cat! What are you doing? Just lay down already. No need to scratch the couch to pieces before doing so. Stop walking in circles. Just plop down! You have the whole couch to yourself. Yes, I will keep the dog off of it, now just lay down! No, No, No, you can not come lay down on me! I have to do laundry! No you can not lay on my blanket either. Just lay down on the couch! Yes, there you go. Thank you!
11. The Dog! Get off the couch! No you can not sleep up there with the cat. Dont ask me why! Its because I said so. And because the cat doesnt like you. And to be honest with you, you dont fit up there. See how little the cat gets? You cant do that. The only ball you know is the little green one in the other room. No, No, No, I didnt say go get your ball. I dont want to play catch right now, I have to do laundry. Just lay down in your bed. Thats what you have it for.
12. The Cat! I thought you were sleeping! Changed your mind huh. I see. No, dont do that. Get out of the laundry basket! It still has clothes in it! I need those clothes. Please get out. Dont hiss at me! Thats not very nice. What is your problem King Cranky? Just get out of the basket so I can get the clothes. Yes, I will dump it out, with you in it!!! You dont think so??? Try me!
13. The Dog! Get out of the dirty clothes please. The cat is not hiding underneath them. I promise. He went back to the couch. Yes I am sure. Stop doing that. No, dont do that either. Why are you rolling in the dirty socks? Do you have any idea how gross that is?? The socks are already dirty. Oh great, now you smell like dirty socks too. Guess I am gonna have to give you a bath. Where did you go??? DOG??? DOG???
Tuesday
Wordless Wednesday!
APPARANTLY I HAVE EXCEEDED MY LIMIT OF ALLOWABLE PICTURES ON THIS SITE (IF THERE IS SUCH A THING!) SO I AM UNABLE TO UPLOAD ANYTHING FOR WORDLESS WEDNESDAY!
I HATE BLOGGER SOMETIMES!
FEEL FREE HOWEVER TO LINK AWAY AND COMMENT ON HOW CRAPPY BLOGGER IS (WHICH IS WHY YOU PROBABLY SWITCHED ALREADY!), WHAT YOUR PLANS FOR THE DAY ARE, OR WHATEVER ELSE FLOATS YOUR BOAT!
I HATE BLOGGER SOMETIMES!
FEEL FREE HOWEVER TO LINK AWAY AND COMMENT ON HOW CRAPPY BLOGGER IS (WHICH IS WHY YOU PROBABLY SWITCHED ALREADY!), WHAT YOUR PLANS FOR THE DAY ARE, OR WHATEVER ELSE FLOATS YOUR BOAT!
Monday
IPOD MEME 25 Tunes!
You Guys Rock!!!
I have gotten this IPOD meme from NOLADawn over at Kids, Cats & Books-What Else Is There! I played over on her site and it was quite fun. Hard though! So here are the details...
I've given the first lines of the first 25 random songs on my IPOD and you get to guess the title and artist of the song. Post your answers in the comments and I'll update them as I recieve them. The rules were these, no repeated artists, nothing obscure, foreign or with the title in the first line for me and for you no googling the lyrics. Have fun
01. You dont know how you met me, you dont know why... Kudos to Miss Britt...Follow Me by Uncle Kracker
02. I used to come home late, not a minute too soon... Kudos to Miss Britt...You Aint Much Fun Since I Quit Drinking by Toby Keith
03. My life is breaking, my love is pure...Kudos to NOLADawn...Your Beautiful by James Blunt
04. Is this the real life, is this just fantasy... Kudos to NOLADawn...Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
05. She said its cold outside and she hands me my raincoat... Kudos to Trinity and Miss Britt...3am by Matchbox 20
06. All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go... Kudos to Merle...Leaving On A Jet Plane by Peter, Paul and Mary. (Jewel actually sings a beautiful verison of this as well!)
07. The sun is shining everyday, clouds never get in the way... Kudos to PixiePincessMom...I Love You by Martina McBride
08. Her hair is hollow gold... Kudos to NOLADawn...Bette Davis Eyes by The Duets or Stevie Nicks. I love em both!
09. My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away... Kudos to PixiePincessMom...Always On Your Side by Sheryl Crow With Sting
10. He was sitting there, brush in his hand... Kudos to PixiePincessMom...Paint Me A Burmingham by Tracy Lawrence.
11. She doesnt own a dress, her hair is always a mess... Kudos to PixiePincessMom...Meet Virginia by Train
12. Ever since the day you went away and left me lonley and cold... Kudos to PixiePincessMom (I think she has lyric fever!)...Going Crazy by Natalie
13. Some people call me the space cowboy... Kudos to The Boy and I have to give props to NOLADawn. (that girl can sing!)...The Joker by The Stever Miller Band.
14. I'm packed and I'm holdin, I'm smiling, shes living, shes golden... Kudos to PixiePincessMom...Semi Charmed Kinda Life by Third Eye Blind
15. Come with me, stay the night, you say the words... Kudos to PixiePincessMom...Too Little Too Late by JoJo
16. So she say, whats the problem baby, whats the problem I dont know... Kudos to PixiePincessMom...Accidently In Love by Counting Crows
17. I dont want another pretty face, I dont want just anyone to hold... Kudos to Miss Britt (wow, she is on a roll!)...Beautiful Soul by Jesse Mcartney
18. Baby lock the door and turn the lights down low... Kudos to PixiePincessMom (I think she would have guessed them all, but wanted to let everyone else play!)...Your Man by Josh Turner
19. I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house... Kudos to The Boy...What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts
20. Rob the jewelry store and tell em make me a... Kudos to The Boy...Grillz by Nelly
21. When you make love, do you look in the mirror... Kudos to NOLADawn...Love Bites by Def Leppard.
22. Nobody on the road, nobody on the beach... Kudos To Bex...Boys of Summer by Don Henley
23. She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean...Kudos to Lil Duck Duck...You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC
24. A love struck romeo sings the streets a serenade... Kudos to The Boy...Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits
25. We were as one babe, for a moment in time... Kudos to PixiePincessMom...Always Be My Baby by Mariah Carey
Its A Bird, Its A Plane, Its A..........Bee???
Ok, a wasp to be exact. And let me just tell you, I hate wasps!! I dont use the word hate often, but this is a definite exception. I had to go drop off some paperwork at Monkeys school on Friday and on the way home, it happened.
Picture this if you will...
I am driving down the street, trying to decide which gas station I am going to stop at to buy my very last pack of smokes ever, (and yes, I did finally quit!) when I see this black thing on the inside of my windshield out of the corner of my eye. When I actually turned my head and focused in, I saw it, and it was looking at me. Those little eyes just staring at me as if to say, I am gonna eat you alive. And the butt, you know, the one with the stinger, was bouncing up and down, almost to the beat of the music. Of course, I freaked out! BIGTIME!
I started yelling at the cars in front of me to turn already, for there were no cars coming, and you can freely turn left if its clear. But NOOOOOOOO! The jerk is going straight. By now, the wasp has flown to the passenger side seat, and planted himself on the head rest. Still staring at me! I think it was laughing at me. Finally the light turned green and I pulled into the 7-11 like an Indy car racer pulling into a pit stop!
I jumped out of the car screaming. Yeah, I am embarrassed to admit it, but I screamed like a baby! The guy next to me asked if I was ok. I told him yes of course. I should have paid him to exterminate the creature, but I wasnt on my toes. I grabbed the empty box of cigarettes and ran to the passenger side. I dont really know what I thought I was going to do with it, but hey, as I said before. I wasnt quite on my toes. By now, the wasp is taunting me. He is running back and forth on my head rest. I could almost hear him saying, "You cant catch me! You cant catch me!" And he was right.
He starts flying all around my truck. Front to back, over and over again. But of course, the little bastard wont fly out the open door. At this point, I am frustrated all to heck, and I dont know what to do. I slammed the door and went inside to get my smokes. After all this, I needed one. I picked up the slimy payphone and proceeded to call the boy to enlist his assistance. Who the fuck else was I going to call??? No answer. I call again. No answer. After putting my fifty cents into that stupid payphone 13 times, (and I dont think I am exaggerating) there is an answer. His voicemail! UGH!!!!!!! I leave a not so nice message, lay the guilt trip in, and hang up. I hope he feels bad!
I take my sweet time getting back to the truck. Open the door, and look around. I cant find the wasp anywhere! I look under the seats, under the mats, behind Monkeys car seat. I looked everywhere. It was nowhere to be found! So what am I gonna do now??? What else could I do? I smoked again. And again. Then I got in the truck, fastened my seat belt, and drove 90 miles an hour home. And I wish I was kidding. I just kept praying that I wouldnt get pulled over, and also praying that if I did get pulled over, the cop wouldnt shoot me for jumping out of the car like a mad man. I found myself swerving off the road as I looked back to make sure he wasnt on my head rest! I finally made it home, what felt like hours later and jumped out of the truck. I locked the doors and ran inside the house. Of course I took off every bit of clothing I had on, (a visual I am sure you didnt need) and shook my head like I was at the head bangers ball!
So I am alive and well, and smoke free now. But I havent been in the truck since!
Picture this if you will...
I am driving down the street, trying to decide which gas station I am going to stop at to buy my very last pack of smokes ever, (and yes, I did finally quit!) when I see this black thing on the inside of my windshield out of the corner of my eye. When I actually turned my head and focused in, I saw it, and it was looking at me. Those little eyes just staring at me as if to say, I am gonna eat you alive. And the butt, you know, the one with the stinger, was bouncing up and down, almost to the beat of the music. Of course, I freaked out! BIGTIME!
I started yelling at the cars in front of me to turn already, for there were no cars coming, and you can freely turn left if its clear. But NOOOOOOOO! The jerk is going straight. By now, the wasp has flown to the passenger side seat, and planted himself on the head rest. Still staring at me! I think it was laughing at me. Finally the light turned green and I pulled into the 7-11 like an Indy car racer pulling into a pit stop!
I jumped out of the car screaming. Yeah, I am embarrassed to admit it, but I screamed like a baby! The guy next to me asked if I was ok. I told him yes of course. I should have paid him to exterminate the creature, but I wasnt on my toes. I grabbed the empty box of cigarettes and ran to the passenger side. I dont really know what I thought I was going to do with it, but hey, as I said before. I wasnt quite on my toes. By now, the wasp is taunting me. He is running back and forth on my head rest. I could almost hear him saying, "You cant catch me! You cant catch me!" And he was right.
He starts flying all around my truck. Front to back, over and over again. But of course, the little bastard wont fly out the open door. At this point, I am frustrated all to heck, and I dont know what to do. I slammed the door and went inside to get my smokes. After all this, I needed one. I picked up the slimy payphone and proceeded to call the boy to enlist his assistance. Who the fuck else was I going to call??? No answer. I call again. No answer. After putting my fifty cents into that stupid payphone 13 times, (and I dont think I am exaggerating) there is an answer. His voicemail! UGH!!!!!!! I leave a not so nice message, lay the guilt trip in, and hang up. I hope he feels bad!
I take my sweet time getting back to the truck. Open the door, and look around. I cant find the wasp anywhere! I look under the seats, under the mats, behind Monkeys car seat. I looked everywhere. It was nowhere to be found! So what am I gonna do now??? What else could I do? I smoked again. And again. Then I got in the truck, fastened my seat belt, and drove 90 miles an hour home. And I wish I was kidding. I just kept praying that I wouldnt get pulled over, and also praying that if I did get pulled over, the cop wouldnt shoot me for jumping out of the car like a mad man. I found myself swerving off the road as I looked back to make sure he wasnt on my head rest! I finally made it home, what felt like hours later and jumped out of the truck. I locked the doors and ran inside the house. Of course I took off every bit of clothing I had on, (a visual I am sure you didnt need) and shook my head like I was at the head bangers ball!
So I am alive and well, and smoke free now. But I havent been in the truck since!
Friday
I Really Hate August!
Its Hot August Nights in this wonderful city. La Ti Fricken Da. If you dont have anything like this in your town, then consider yourself lucky. If you have something similar, let me extend to you by deepest apologies. Hot August Nights is what we call the occasion where everyone that owns a really old car gets together and drives around making lots of noise and clogging up the city streets with traffic, making it next to impossible to get from here to there in any reasonable amount of time.
When I was younger, I used to enjoy this time of year. The fam would all get together and go downtown, look at all the really neat cars, and shop at all the little booths lined up and down the street. And that really wasnt that long ago. But as I get older, the cars that are considered "classics" seem to have changed. And so have the people who drive them. They are no longer the good lookin '57 T Birds driven by our grandparents. When did a 1987 Corvette become a classic??? And when did it become ok for said Corvette to be lifted, tinted, have three exhausts and make more noise than the space shuttle taking off???
Last night, I decided to make a Jimboys run. Yes, I ate my willpower, but that is a different story. It had not dawned on me that it was actually August until that very moment. I admit I was curious about all the traffic, but when the BMW in front of me lit up and started sparking fireworks, I knew! UGH!!!!!!!! Did I mention it was a BMW??? Double UGH!!! And then, the most horrific sight I have ever seen.
A "classic" car with a trailer. And on the trailer??? Lots of lights, and a piano. Oh yeah, and how could I forget the guy that was back there actually playing the piano, and singing! And let me just say, he didnt do either very well! So as I sat there at the green light, listening to the sounds of the muffled piano, the awful singing, the horns honking, the engines revving, the sirens blaring, and the music blasting, I watched my light turn red. UGH!!! I really hate August!!!
When I was younger, I used to enjoy this time of year. The fam would all get together and go downtown, look at all the really neat cars, and shop at all the little booths lined up and down the street. And that really wasnt that long ago. But as I get older, the cars that are considered "classics" seem to have changed. And so have the people who drive them. They are no longer the good lookin '57 T Birds driven by our grandparents. When did a 1987 Corvette become a classic??? And when did it become ok for said Corvette to be lifted, tinted, have three exhausts and make more noise than the space shuttle taking off???
Last night, I decided to make a Jimboys run. Yes, I ate my willpower, but that is a different story. It had not dawned on me that it was actually August until that very moment. I admit I was curious about all the traffic, but when the BMW in front of me lit up and started sparking fireworks, I knew! UGH!!!!!!!! Did I mention it was a BMW??? Double UGH!!! And then, the most horrific sight I have ever seen.
A "classic" car with a trailer. And on the trailer??? Lots of lights, and a piano. Oh yeah, and how could I forget the guy that was back there actually playing the piano, and singing! And let me just say, he didnt do either very well! So as I sat there at the green light, listening to the sounds of the muffled piano, the awful singing, the horns honking, the engines revving, the sirens blaring, and the music blasting, I watched my light turn red. UGH!!! I really hate August!!!
Thursday
Thursday Thirteen Minus Three!
Tuesday
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
